Novi-Chok Full O Nuts

The story so far…

Chemical warfare horror in England! Some iffy substance turned up in Salisbury. Two Russian people (ex-spies, we are told) got sick and then got better.
Two English people (iffy substance abusers, we are told) got sick and one died.

The iffy substance in Salisbury was (we are told) a man-made poison called Novichok, which can only be produced in a laboratory by experts in chemical weapons. This makes for a rather short list of suspects. Practically nobody at all can make this stuff outside of a top-secret government weapons factory. Guess what you can find 15 minutes drive from Salisbury? A top secret government weapons factory – complete with laboratories and chemical weapons experts: Porton Down.

Any serious attempt to solve this crime would begin right there – at Porton Down, which is most certainly capable of manufacturing, weaponising and supplying Novichok.  Millions of taxpayer pounds have been spent, thousands of man-hours expended by police, hospitals and emergency services, mainly to clean up Novichok-contaminated areas of Salisbury (we are told).
Not a penny has been spent interrogating or investigating anyone at Porton Down, although it’s 7.2 miles up the road from the contamination, and making deadly chemical weapons is their full-time job.   
Because the British Police are way too smart to accuse the Prime Suspect. For them, the trembling  forefinger of blame points straight at Vladimir Putin’s evil Russian KGB assassins, a mere two thousand 634 kilometres away in Moscow. Because the political clown they call ‘Foreign Secretary’ has announced Russia is the culprit.
This man is a career-bullshitter who has bluffed and lied his way through every commitment in his entire life -marriage, Mayor and MP. But he is now a Senior Cabinet Minister (ooh! aah! behold the prince!) ) as a reward for years of dedicated Westminster ass-kissing. To demonstrate his newly-minted expertise, he has told the UK cops to ignore the prime suspect parked on the victim’s doorstep with a suitcase full of zombie knives, and accuse instead, men thousands of miles away in another continent because he says so.    
The liar’s chorus (Times, Guardian, Telegraph, BBC etc) bawl along in harmony and before you can say ‘propaganda’ the Idiot Lie is hoisted like a cardboard crucifix above the lair of Vlad the Slayer.

Spinning this feeble yarn out for the last six months has required a mammoth effort from the dinosaur media. The globalist narrative dictates that real world events must be reinterpreted for us dumb fools by psychics from the parallel universe of ‘mainstream news’. Thousands of words have been pasted onto the few available facts (one dead, three sick, obvious suspect 15 minutes up the road) to invoke a gaggle of amazing international conspiracy theories.  Every week another dog-bowl of wild speculation gets chucked at this three-fact story by (a) junior politicians who couldn’t tell a masterspy from an estate agent, and (b) an ornamental Foreign Secretary who has graduated from local dunce to international laughing stock at record speed. A rough guess at the actual public interest in this subject is not difficult to make. A look at the re-tweets, shares and comments on the Novichok saga reveals that it attracts about a thousand times less attention than the average soap star’s latest tits-out selfie. Nobody outside the media circus gives a damn, and everyone inside knows it’s baloney anyway.

Novichok, however, serves the three prime directives for political life in a globalist Gulag:

1) Distract the sheeple from the absence of any useful political activity (no Brexit, no cops, no NHS)
2) Remind the sheeple to be afraid of evil foreign powers who are a constant deadly threat
3) Allow your top ministers to be photographed making pompous speeches to ensure re-election

And as these epic fictional Novichok dramas overlap and multiply, not one of our noble investigative journalistic sock-puppets can summon a paragraph to point out that having UK politicos raving and dribbling about ruthless, evil Russia trying to kill its own traitors (oh, the horror!) is a bit rich when you’re funding a 7000-acre chemical weapons factory in the Wiltshire countryside while claiming to be a paragon of International Human Rights.   

This is now a tottering Frankenstein of a story, every word of which (beyond the aforementioned three facts) comes straight from the “intelligence sources” bullshit factory that brought us WMD, Russia fixed the Referendum, Russia stole my homework etc etc. This week saw episode twenty-five which took us to Denmark and Switzerland as our heroic Secret Services chase elusive Russian hitmen from poolside to cocktail bar. Anonymous spooklords whisper our intelligence strongly suggests that blah blah blah blah while everyone still awake has already switched to Netflix.

My advice? Stay clear of Salisbury in general and Porton Down in particular. My intelligence strongly suggests it’s full of nuts.

Ian Andrew-Patrick


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