INCREDIBLE PSYCHIC REVEALS TOMORROW’S NEWS TODAY!

Here is the news! All the news you need for a month! Read on and forget news for four weeks!

Donald Trump had sex with someone so the Russians did it and he must be stopped / shot.

Brexit a disaster / stalled / cancelled, so supermarkets will collapse and you will starve to death.
                                  Royal people have families and children.
Morons want to have sex with robots. 
                                  Somebody had an accident on holiday.
Child gang-raped in Pakistan.

New vaccine will cure every known disease and extend your life by 200 years.

Breast-feeding mother outraged at gym / maths class / football match / funeral.

People get upset because the weather changes.  
                                  A lesbian is outraged because all men are rapists.
A brainless spoiled rich junkie has overdosed in Chelsea and it really matters.

Police twerking / jiving / shagging instead of working.

Man with beard convicted of terror offense.
                                                        Teacher shags pupil.

A transgender person is outraged.

                     Fake news must be censored (this means your Facebook posts).
The earth is burning and we will all die because we kept breathing / breeding / eating.

Experts reveal that drinking more or less of whisky/wine/urine will kill you or prolong your life.

Amazing breakthrough might cure all cancer forever. 

Courageous nobody took their clothes off and is now on tv / in the news.

                         Britain is in terrible danger from the “far-right”.
Anonymous television person confesses terrible struggle with depression/cancer/gender.
                         There will be a full moon.

Russia did it.

Spare yourself the next week / month / year of this crap and just stop consuming mainstream media.

Ian Andrew-Patrick

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