Cast Iron Proof

Today the Gardian can exclusively reveal how scantily-clad agents of the Kremlin conspired to deny England’s football heroes the World Cup victory that
almost everyone expected. Our Moscow Correspondent Michael [CENSORED] who is absolutely not employed by MI6, confirmed that anonymous sources say England’s “totally implausible” defeat by Croatia in the semi-final was personally engineered by Vladimir Putin. Speaking off the record, our prizewinning reporter stated – “We have photographic evidence that Putin’s poodle, Donald Trump, once played golf just a few hundred miles from FIFA’s secret underground base in Vladivostok. This is cast-iron proof of Soviet / World Cup corruption.” Confronted by these claims at the post-match press conference, Russian Premier Vladimir Putin declined to confirm or deny the allegations, stating only that “a traditional buffet supper will be served in the garden.”
British Embassy officials advised members of the press to be “mindful of the dangers of Russian poisoning” before accepting Putin’s invitation.


Cold Meat and Vodka

Cold meat and vodka, however, could not paper over the cracks in Putin’s crumbling cover-up. According to sources close to a regular in the Red Lion, agents of Israel’s secretive Mossad have delivered a “thick Dossier” to both the FBI and MI6, which contains explosive allegations of a diabolical match-fixing conspiracy. It appears that England’s widely-anticipated cruise to World Cup victory was derailed by a complex plot involving life-like robot prostitutes, designer shoes, E-cigarettes and a former jumps-jockey.

Sadly, there is a dark, hidden side to this diabolical Russian World Cup,” said a source close to the England camp. Asked if he could elaborate on this shocking revelation, he added –
 “- it’s a funny old game, football. I nearly played for West Ham once.”

England superstars were inconsolable after their shock defeat

Russian Fingerprints

Meanwhile, in Moscow, a senior British diplomat who spoke on condition of anonymity seemed to confirm the sensational Mossad  allegations, saying –   ” It’s a scandal that England have been conned out of the World Cup victory they deserved. We are certain the Russians were behind this -it has their fingerprints all over it. Can I have my fee in champagne from Aldi? “


Johnsokov’s Bombshell

Not to be outdone, Foreign Secretary Boris Johnsokov dropped his own bombshell into the sporting vacuum created by England’s astonishing defeat.When people ask why Andy Murray is not competing at Wimbledon,” he stated, ” I simply remind them that Russian poisoners were responsible  for killing half the population of Salisbury  causing two upset stomachs only last year.”

A Dossier is the Ultimate Proof

Readers are reminded that it was the Gardian’s fearless Washington correspondent Anthony Makesitup who broke the story of the Russia Dossier which led to Trump’s conviction for treason  nothing at all. Meanwhile, speaking from a basement flat owned by his grandad, our LGBTQKFC correspondent Owen Joneski explained – ” Mum won’t let me play football cos it’s very rough. The important thing to remember is that although we lost the World Cup, we gained a thick Dossier. A Dossier is not just three sheets of A4 stapled together. As Alistair Camp-balls himself told us, a thick Dossier is the Ultimate Proof of anything you like. Let us never forget the vitally important thick Dossier used by Lord Blair in the run up to the unprovoked Iraqi invasion of Europe in 2003.”

Putin’s Racist Gazebo

Elsewhere in today’s football-free Giveaway Gardian How Russia Bought Brexit – the scandal of Nigel Farage’s secret Siberian love-child, and don’t miss our guest columnist Dianne Abbotski re-telling the heartbreaking story of how innocent transgender migrant orphans were mercilessly abused in a Putin-style racist gazebo before …(cotd. on page 24)

(Gard)ian Andrew-Patrick

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