FIVE AMAZING STORIES THE ROYAL WEDDING WILL KILL

For the average Daily Mail reader, it seems the universe is holding its breath just to see if two dumb spoilt brats can mumble a short script and walk 30 yards without falling over.
Yes, a well-worn party girl  has bagged herself a major paycheck – woo hoo! Britain is saved – the Firm has secured a bit more  DNA to help thin out the inbreeding that produced the last batch of hamster-brained Windsor wimps.

The entire nation is trembling in anticipation (in the Daily Mail’s fevered imagination) and here’s the photographs to prove it! Yes, cue yet another trick-pic of six mentally challenged benefit claimers sleeping rough under their union jack smocks, bagging their place in the front row. It’s hilarious how these photos always have the loonies in HUGE FOCUS right up front filling the frame, with Windsor Castle or whatever tiny in the distance. This is done carefully, because if you saw the street from a distance, with hundreds of sane people ignoring the tiny gang of royalist morons you might think – well – you might think.

    THE HAPPY COUPLE – GOD BLESS YOU SWEET MASTERS

Twas ever thus. Who could forget the glory of 1981, when Charles the Prince of Expensive Biscuits wed Diana the Mine-Slayer? That ended well, didn’t it? Or how about Fergie the Flatulent and …oh, forget it. It’s always the same and never fails to fail.
But oh, OH, what an opportunity to bury the bad news. There’s no shortage of it either, and with Ramadan just getting into gear, look forward to harrowing headlines disappearing onto page 25 after two dozen pages of My Magical Royal Grovel experiences, written by everybody in the building with GCE English (or Somali equivalent). 
     
So here’s a sample of the dirty, nasty truths set to be entombed beneath a landslide of putrid Royalist burble as the Presstitutes form a queue to brown-nose their way closer to Holy Harry and the Meghan Markle Roadshow.  Get set for the no-news Marathon of the Numpty Nuptials.
    
1. GRUESOME GANG RAPE details, stabbings, Female Genital Mutilation.
2. CENSORSHIP – Google, Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, shutting your mouth with gusto.
3. BREXIT lies and deceptions, postponements, evasions, legal challenges (repeat till WW3).
4. COLLAPSE OF “RUSSIA FIXED IT ” narrative re. Trump / Brexit / Catalonia / Champions League…)
5. ISLAMIC ATROCITIES worldwide, e.g. Syria, Somalia, Indonesia, Philippines,Paris, Egypt…

We’ll have a little post-wedding review of the weekend’s best buried bad news next week, just to see how accurate our predictions are…meanwhile…HAPPY F.A.CUP FINAL DAY to all readers.

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