Breaking News! The Russians did not do it! Yes the, latest “it” that the Russians did, was nothing but an outbreak of deadly poisonous fake news.
To the shock and horror of nobody at all, Britain’s chemical weapons experts at the top secret Porton Down ‘research unit’ (or chemical weapons manufacturing plant, if you prefer) “cannot confirm ” that the alleged poison used in the alleged attack on the alleged Russian spy family in England was in fact manufactured in Russia. Enough allegations for you there? (Please note, in Westminster-speak, “cannot confirm” translates as this is utter bollocks).
Two cheers for the British WMD engineers at Porton Down, then, as they upset – and not for the first time – the apple cart of government propaganda. Although, given that this second-hand, Boris Johnson-driven apple cart had only one -very wobbly- wheel, and was lying sideways in a ditch in the middle of nowhere, the news that the Russia news was fake news was, well, not exactly news.
Strangely familiar, this song. Oh what bliss it would have been, to be in the Prime Minister’s office when the email ( post-it note / parchment tied to a pigeon’s leg?) arrived to announce that the bods from the germ factory were not going to prop up the May fairy tale. The grinding of already hard-ground teeth, the spitting of anything spittable, the rolling of bloodshot eyes…”WTF are those bastards playing at? Cancel their pensions immediately! Weaponise the deadly penknives…”
Considering what happened to the last UK weapons expert who poked the secret service in the belly and whispered “porky pies!” you wonder what they’ve been sniffing up at Porton Down. Or perhaps they’re planning to institute a once-a-decade achievement award – the Dr David Kelly Memorial prize for speaking Uncomfortable Truth. The recipient would get their name on a brass plaque mounted on an oak plinth, tastefully adorned with a tiny blade and an aspirin bottle rampant. Or perhaps just an inscription on the headstone.
2017 began with The Guardian newspaper’s head conspiracy correspondent, ‘Nutty Nick’ Cohen drivelling about “Russian treachery” – it was “everywhere”, apparently, and I’m quoting him verbatim if you think that sounds just a teeny bit crazy. And ever since then, the idiotic ex-spook Christopher Steele – yes, he of “Russian Dossier” fame -has been trawled round the Washington DC lawyer-circuit in ever-decreasing circles, like a (mute) witness looking for a crime to testify about. After all, he’s already been paid, and when the Clintons pay you, you gotta deliver or you could end up getting accidentally stiffed during a botched robbery, right kids? Meanwhile, the character-assassination wing of the Democratic Party – the FBI- has tied itself in reef knots trying to pin a red star on Trump, someone reasonably near Trump, somebody Trump-like, help us, somebody, please…and round the 24-hour clock the mainstream media has echoed to the sound of voices chanting “Russian Kolooshun, Russian Kolooshun, spies, spies, SPIES! ” Because Russian spies are everywhere. Undermining democracy. Fixing elections. Fixing referendums. Poisoning people right under your lifted nose.
But for some weird, inexplicable reason, the public – both in America and the UK- simply will not believe it anymore when the government says “The Russians Did IT”. Why? WHY? screams Boris, banging his forehead down on a stack of unsold copies of his last book.
Is it because they don’t care? Or because the IT the Russians did doesn’t sound very important anyway? Or perhaps…what if…the Russians didn’t do any “its” at all?
Anyway, if this turns out to be the last post from End Of, and I end up dead in a leather bean-bag with an orange in my mouth…well, I want you to know – categorically, for certain – the Russians didn’t do it. Nyet, nyet, NYET! That’s just the kind of thing crazy people like me get up to.